Like my dear husband loves to say… it’s not the years, it’s the mileage.
Fear and Doubt. There are no uglier words in the human language. Like Garth Brooks once said “Learning to live again is killing me.” It’s kinda like that. Releasing fear and doubt, that’s the key to truly living a life of joy and abundance.
Last year, I began to experience some issues with my hip. While grocery shopping one day, I was standing (yes, standing… as in still, not moving, not leaning, not reaching, etc) and perusing the shelf in front of me to contemplating which item would be preferable for a better dinner experience that evening (fancy way of saying did we want bowtie, spaghetti or rotini). That is exactly when I felt this sickening sliding sensation in the hip area, a bright burst of pain, and my leg caved under me. Thankfully, I had one hand on the cart still and was able to catch myself! For days, I could barely walk because of the pain and sleeping was sporadic at best so I made a doctor’s appointment.
Let the fun begin… ugh. They poked, twisted, prodded, poked some more, and then finally sent me for an x-ray. The x-ray showed no breaks (well, duh… I think I would have noticed if I’d fallen and broken my hip, come on now!) but nothing else. So, they chalked it up to old Arthur Itis, sent me home with a prescription for pain pills that I would never take, and called it good. Pain pills don’t fix anything, so that just wasn’t happening but I figured I’d wait awhile and see if it got better while taking the anti-inflammatory they had given me. It didn’t. The only thing I noticed a difference in was the frequency of that sharp, excruciating pain that shot down my leg and caused me to look like part of a 3 Stooges movie.
Doctor appointment #2… poking, prodding, twisting, review of the x-ray. No further tests ordered. No help given except asking if I wanted more pain pills. I get it, I’m no spring chicken anymore, but I know that this isn’t just arthritis. I felt defeated, like a number on a chart that was just being filed away. So for months I just dealt with it, and I learned how to make the best of the days it was bearable.
I was ecstatic to be able to return to the trusted doctor that I had seen for many years (thank you to dear hubby’s employer Toyota Motor Manufacturing for offering the great insurance!) I recounted the story to him, and he said “So, they only did an x-ray? That’s it?” I confirmed that had been the extent of any testing done. He shook his head and said “That’s not going to show them anything unless you broke it! I’m sure this is soft tissue damage, which means you need an MRI. It sounds like your hip has been subluxating (for us non-doctor folk, that’s popping in and out of the socket, LOL). If that’s the case, then this could have been causing more and more damage over the past year with each incident.” There was an unpleasant conversation that followed, with worst case scenarios.
So, now we have an MRI scheduled for next week. I was a mess after the doctor visit. All those “what if’s” running through my brain, I couldn’t even function the rest of the day. I was trying my best to focus, but it just wasn’t happening. Anything I read I had to re-read multiple times just to comprehend; I went into another room to do/get something and couldn’t remember what; dinner was late because I couldn’t even wrap my head around the steps of making something that I’d been making for 20 plus years. I just felt restless in my own skin, agitated, like I needed to be doing something, constantly.
The problem? Fear. I was not in a place of love anymore, fear was taking hold of me. Silently, I allowed it to take my hand and wildly encourage me to run naked and afraid through the streets of my psyche, destroying my inner peace. I knew better, but at that time my mind wasn’t even grasping that… simply because I wasn’t living in the NOW. All those worries… wasted energy. It doesn’t help a single thing; all it does is take away the joy of your present moment. Even worse, you are putting that negativity out into the Universe, who in kind is thinking that is exactly what you are trying to manifest! See the problem here?
Thankfully, I have a wonderful family (including soul-family) who were there to help pull me back from the ledge on which my psyche had crawled out upon. It took a few days of talking, meditating, and praying to finally calm myself enough that I could think clearly again. Once there, I was able to put my typical practices into play… releasing fear and doubt.
God said he would take our burdens upon himself if we just ask, so I did. I told Him that I believed in His divine plan and in His divine timing, and I had faith all was as it should be. Then, I released it all. With a mighty sweep of Angels’ wings accompanied by the chorus of their heavenly voices, all was well. Yeah, so I have a flair for the dramatic, I know. But seriously, I felt so much lighter and so much more focused. Where fear had been, love now resided once again.
Trust in the journey. Have faith that all is as it should be. Believe in the big picture, divine plan and divine timing. All will work out for the Highest good!
Love and Light y’all!