Last week I spoke to you about Fibromyalgia, and I will continue to post about it in the future as I learn more. I have received a good deal of positive feedback, thank you! It thrills me that I am bringing awareness and help to so many people. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for your support and kind words. Namaste.
Now, part 2, onto the new ailment. I will admit, sadly, that I was one of those people who thought it was nothing more than a way for people to collect disability… until it happened to me. See, that’s what happens when you are judgmental… the old “walk a mile in my shoes” thing. Last August I was eating dinner at our home with my daughter and her partner, when all of a sudden my heart started racing. I didn’t feel that at first, I just didn’t feel “right”. I checked my pulse and it was scary high, so I immediately went to the hospital. In triage, it was at 137 beats per minute. They took me straight back into a room and hooked me up to all the monitors. By this time I was in complete panic mode, thinking I was having a heart attack. After hours of tests, they assured me that was not the case. In fact, they couldn’t see anything wrong with my heart. So the questioning began.
“Are you stressed about anything?”
“Did anything out of the ordinary happen to you today?”
“Did you have any emotional encounters today?” etc, etc, etc.
I answered no to all of their questions. More tests, multitudes of them, ensued. Nothing physical was causing the problem. They told me I was suffering from an anxiety disorder and panic attacks. Yeah, right… me? Miss Imaboutaslaidbackasapersoncanget? The person who is used to speaking in front of thousands of people? The woman who hosted her own internet radio show? The gal who sings along (and not quietly) with the songs playing on the speakers in the middle of Kroger? The chick who has never know a stranger? Yep, that’s the one.
Just to cover everything, they sent me to a cardiologist. Protocol entailed me wearing a heart monitor for a month. The heart rate issues happened during that time, so I was sure there would be something enlightening for the doctor to share at our next appointment. What he said was basically this… it’s a normal sinus rhythm, just elevated. Nothing physical is causing it. The initial diagnosis was correct.
To say I was at a loss is the mother of all understatements. I just didn’t get it, and I was mad because I thought they just weren’t listening to me. I’m not an uptight person… I’m not a worrier… I’m not a perfectionist (well, not hugely)… I avoid drama like the proverbial plague. How did this happen? I was focusing on all the wrong things, of course. The one thing I do struggle with on occasion is being a control freak, though it’s not nearly as bad as my younger years. So I was determined to figure out why this was happening, there HAD to be an explanation.
Over the course of the next 3 months I went a little crazy: I kept track of everything I ate and anything new that was introduced into our home; I checked our house for visible mold; I refused to use any cleaner that wasn’t natural; I threw out processed foods; I completely gave up caffeine and sugary drinks; I stopped watching any movies or shows that I considered excessively violent or intense; I even asked the doctor to prescribe a blood glucose meter because I knew in my 20’s I had issues with hypoglycemia and thought that may have come to kick me in the butt yet again. There was more, but I think you get the drift.
What did I learn?
Oh yes, I was healthier… My sugar was normal (never was the problem), I lost weight and slept better. Though my tailbone hurts now because it has lost its padding (I kid you not on that one). Did any of it help the issue? Nope, not one bit. Frustrated, utterly to the point of crying and still I just wasn’t getting it. One day my boyfriend lovingly sat forward in his chair, took my hands in his and said “Maybe there just isn’t an answer. Maybe you just need to let it go.”
Of course, he was right. If it had been a different diagnosis, I think I wouldn’t have had such a hard time believing it. But THIS just made no sense, so I grasped at everything, anything, every little thing. But I finally took his words to heart, and I commenced reconciling myself to what was happening to me.
Next step, getting my life back on track. I had been so crazy (read that as control-freaking to the maximum) that my everyday life had gone right down the shitter (pardon the language, but it’s very appropriate right now). I was so focused on what might be causing the issues, I didn’t see that my own actions were making it so much worse. I was constantly in an anxious state, wondering if the next thing would cause my heart rate to skyrocket again. My own personal hell. And my family, God bless them all… through this entire ordeal, they stood with me and loved me and hugged me and were just there and didn’t judge me. My whole family, not just the ones I live with. I received so much support from a few of my Facebook friends, that I consider them my family. Talks into the wee hours of the night while my boyfriend was at work and daughter was sleeping; thoughtful notes sent in messages or posted to my wall; being virtually embraced with so much love. To my family, I love you more than I can every express. You are everything to me, and I thank God every day for blessing me with you.
So here I am, still learning how to cope with it all. I reckon it will be a lifelong thing, but I have learned some things while continuing on the Lightworking path.
- Let go and Let God. He promised to shoulder our burdens, all we have to do is surrender them. What a wonderful blessing this is, to be loved so much by our Heavenly Father. Let him help you; he’s just waiting to be asked.
- Feel your Angels near. They are there, like our Father, just waiting to be asked for help.
- Don’t sweat the small stuff! Seriously. I’m not a worrier, but apparently I would let myself get flustered way too much (would? no…do, I still do… but I’m working on it) by the most menial things. Not being able to find something where I left it, or something being somewhere it’s not supposed to be, or even the slightest mishap in the kitchen… they just sent me overboard. Abort rescue, just toss me a life vest and hope for the best. The state of mind I was in, I would have pulled anyone attempting a rescue right down with me. I had to learn that lesson on my own.
- Keep your heart open to both giving and receiving love! Yeah, sounds pretty easy, but in that whacked-out state of mind sometimes it’s way too easy to withdraw into your dark place and just hide there. You lose yourself. You doubt yourself, your instincts, your intuitions, everything. Keeping your heart energy flowing is the greatest way to combat this. There are plenty of opportunities to share love, you don’t have to go out of your way. Compliment someone, surprise someone with something special (a favorite homemade meal, cookies, craft), send a little note just to let someone know you are thinking about them, help someone in need… it’s not rocket science. On the receiving end, don’t deflect. Take a compliment with graciousness and gratitude. Accept love when it is given. Tear down those walls!
- Recognize and acknowledge your emotions. When you ignore them it only encourages problems. Find your favorite type of therapy (walking in the park, playing a musical instrument, painting, meditation, crafting, etc) and work through your feelings, with love.
- Focus on the positive in your life. It’s easy, very easy, to fall into a victim mentality… don’t ask ‘why me’. I had been working on this for quite some time when one day I had my first breakthrough. We had to make an emergency trip a few towns away, and I hadn’t had the money needed to replace the worn tires on my dear old Jeep (we fondly called her Magic). On the way home, we had a blow out on the interstate. The good news is we had just hit a major slow down because of a traffic backup, so there no real danger. Instead of my first thought being ‘why me’ it was ‘thank you for this happening at a speed where we could all be safe’. Much to my elation, I knew I had turned a corner in my thought patterns. There is always good with the bad, you just have to see it.
- Know that you are not alone. This is a big one. Reach out, help is there. Family, friends, Facebook buddies, helplines. Sometimes you just need a friendly voice to tell you that you matter, you are loved, everything will be fine, and you don’t have to go through this by yourself. I’m here to tell you, you don’t. Someone cares, I care. I send my love and light across the miles to you, open your heart to receive it. <3 <3 <3
I will continue to post on dealing with anxiety, as I learn myself how to deal. I am now 8 months into that journey, and what a ride it’s been. I remember asking for help early last year, to be a healthier and more enlightened person. As odd as it sounds, I think this is what needed to happen for that to come about. I can tell you now, I will never take good days for granted; I thank God for every moment. I continue to learn, to try and fail, and to grow.
Love and Light to you, always. I wish you the brightest of blessings, and may you know peace.